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ALPHABETICAL BRAIN™ VOCABULARY
HUMANIST GALAXY
OF SECULAR SCIENCE STARS
DANIEL SIEGEL
February 26, 2021
POWER OF SHOWING UP:
How Parental Presence Shapes
Who Our Kids Become and
How their Brains Get Wired.
by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.
Bantam Books/Random House, 2020
(238 pages)
BOOK OUTLINE
OUTLINE WILL BE ONLINE SOON
Summary, Analysis, and Review of Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson's The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired.
Analysis and review of the book and not the original book. [36 minutes]
Author/Publisher: Start Publishing Notes
Program Type: Audiobook --- Audible.com
Narrator: Michael Gilboe
Release Date March 30, 2020
Language English: Version: Unabridged
SUMMARY = In the book, The Power of Showing Up, Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson share a powerful scientific framework that is bound to revolutionize the art of parenting. They provide the key ingredients that can help any parent raise a well-balanced and secure child who enjoys life and thrives in adversity.
What does this Start Publishing Notes' summary, analysis, and review include?
Summary of the original book
Easily digestible takeaways distilling the main ideas
A breakdown of what it means to show up in a child's life
Tips to help your child feel safe, seen, and soothed
Editorial review and analysis
Background on Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
About the original book: Parents often question whether they are doing enough to raise good kids. There seems to be so much pressure to be the perfect parent, and as a result, parents become either too soft or too harsh. In their latest collaboration, The Power of Showing Up, Siegel and Bryson leverage their decades of experience in the area of child psychology to show parents that there is a better way. Perfection shouldn’t be the goal. Instead, parents should focus on establishing a secure attachment with their child. This is achieved by ensuring that your child feels safe, seen, soothed, and secure. In other words, focus less on the child’s behavior and more on the parent-child relationship. This way, you will be able to turn your home into a secure base from which your child can launch out into the world, knowing full well that they have the support that never wavers.
Disclaimer: This audiobook is intended as a companion to, not a replacement for, The Power of Showing Up. Start Publishing Notes is wholly responsible for this content and is not associated with the original author.
AUTHOR NOTE, SUMMARY,
AND BOOK DESCRIPTION
SUMMARY = Parenting is not easy. Showing up is. Your greatest impact begins right where you are. Now the bestselling authors of The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline explain what this means over the course of childhood. One of the very best scientific predictors for how any child turns out — in terms of happiness, academic success, leadership skills, and meaningful relationships — is whether at least one adult in their life has consistently shown up for them.
BOOK DESCRIPTION = As bestselling authors Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson reassuringly explain, showing up does not take a lot of time, energy, or money. Instead, "showing up" means offering a quality of presence." In an age of scheduling demands and digital distractions, this might sound like a tall order.
It is simple for parents to "show up" --- meaning offering a quality of presence for their childeren --- once you understand the four building blocks of a child's healty development. Every child needs to feel what Siegel and Bryson call the Four S's:
[1] SAFE: We can't always insulate a child from injury or hurt feelings. But when we give a child a sense of safe harbor, she will be able to take the needed risks for growth and change.
[2] SEEN: Truly seeing a child means we pay attention to his emotions — both the positive and the negative — and strive to attune to what's happening in his mind beneath his behavior.
[3] SOOTHED: Soothing isn't about providing a life of ease, but instead teaching your child how to cope when life gets hard, and showing him that you'll be there with him along the way.
[4] SECURE: When you reliably provide safety, focus on seeing her, and soothe her in times of need, she will trust in a feeling of secure attachment. And thrive!
Based on the latest brain and attachment research, the book shares stories, scripts, simple strategies, illustrations and tips for honoring the Four S's effectively in all kinds of situations --- when our kids are struggling or when they are enjoying success; when we are consoling, disciplining, or arguing with them; and even when we are apologizing for the times we don't show up for them. The book demonstrates that mistakes and missteps are reparable and that it is never too late to mend broken trust. This is a powerful guide to cultivating your child's healthy emotional behavior.
AUTHOR NOTE, SUMMARY,
AND BOOK DESCRIPTION
AUTHOR NOTES = Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA, the founding co-director of the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center, and the executive director of the Mindsight Institute. A graduate of Harvard Medical School, Dr. Siegel is the author of several books, including the New York Times bestsellers Aware and Brainstorm, and is the co-author with Tina Payne Bryson of The Whole-Brain Child, No-Drama Discipline, and The Yes Brain. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife, with welcome visits from their adult son and daughter.
Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., is the founder and executive director of the Center for Connection, a multidisciplinary clinical practice, and of the Play Strong Institute, a center devoted to the study, research, and practice of play therapy through a neurodevelopmental lens. She is a licensed clinical social worker, providing pediatric and adolescent psychotherapy and parenting consultations. Dr. Bryson keynotes conferences and conducts workshops for parents, educators, clinicians, and industry leaders around the world. She earned her Ph.D. from the University of Southern California and lives in Los Angeles with her husband and three children.
Daniel J. Siegel has written many books that demonstrate how mindfulness can be integrated into modern brain science. He is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and executive director of the Mindsight Institute. He received his medical degree from Harvard Medical School and his post-graduate medical credentials at UCLA. He was the recipient of the UCLA psychiatry department's teaching award and honorary fellowships for his work as director of UCLA's training program in child psychiatry and the Infant and Preschool Service and is a mindfulness expert, working to develop the field of Interpersonal Neurobiology, which is an interdisciplinary view of life experience.
Siegel is the author of several New York Times bestsellers including the two books featured on this website [1] THE MINDFUL BRAIN: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-Being published by W.W. Norton, 2007 (i-xx, 387 pages); and [2] MINDSIGHT: The New Science of Personal Transformation published by Bantam Books/Random House, 2010 (vii-xviii, 314 pages).
Other bestsellers about parenting and child development include: [3] The Developing Mind: Toward a Neurobiology of Interpersonal Experience; [4] Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain with Tina Payne Bryson; [5] The Whole-Brain Child; [6] No-Drama Discipline; [7] Parenting from the Inside Out, co-written with Mary Hartzell; and [8] Aware: The Science and Practice of Presence --- The Groundbreaking Meditation Practice. He lives in Los Angeles.
EDITORIAL BOOK REVIEWS
LIBRARY JOURNAL REVIEW AND SCHOOL LIBRARY JOURNAL REVIEW = Best-selling authors Siegel and Bryson are well known for their work on attachment theory (The Whole-Brain Child, No-Drama Discipline; The Yes Brain). Here, they attempt to answer the question: What's the single most important thing I can do for my kids to help them succeed and feel at home in the world? The response is a resounding, show up for your kids. For Siegel and Bryson, this is translated as helping a child to feel the four Ss: safe, seen, soothed, and secure. They dedicate this book to parents who obsess that they need to do and be better (they offer a message of consolation to the constant "should"-sayers), those with a child in crisis, overwhelmed expecting parents, and, finally, the growing population of parents becoming less present in their children's lives owing to long work hours, demands, and an excessive amount of time spent using technology. The authors also address childhood-attachment patterns, as well as share possible scripts for parent/child interactions and steps to help children learn how to cope during tough times. VERDICT A fitting volume that expands on the authors' previous work, filled with cartoons and straightforward strategies that will appeal to their fans as well as a wide range of general readers.
PUBLISHERS WEEKLY REVIEW = In this encouraging and empowering book, psychiatrist Siegel (Aware) and clinical social worker Bryson provide steps for parents and caregivers to help children attain success and “feel at home in the world.” The single most important thing parents can do, the authors write, is to simply be present, both physically and emotionally. Based on “attachment science” and “interpersonal neurobiology,” Siegel and Payne reveal that the parent-child relationship will “literally mold the physical structure of” a child’s brain, greatly influencing the rest of his or her life. Readers will learn about “predictable care” through the “Four S’s”—helping children feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure—with a separate section devoted to each “S.” The authors repeatedly provide encouragement to parents who may not have experienced secure attachment behavior in their own childhoods, and provide questions in each section to help parents understand their own experiences and therefore the formative influences on their parenting style. Thanks to this excellent work, Siegel and Payne will leave readers with an empathetic and helpful philosophy to apply to their own parenting.
BOOK LIST REVIEW = Siegel and Bryson (The Whole-Brain Child, 2015) successfully coauthor another parenting title, this time investigating how parental presence effects a child's brain development. Using their Four S method, they describe how a reliable parental presence in a child's life leads to the child feeling ""Safe, Seen, Soothed and Secure."" The Fours S's create an environment of secure attachment that is absolutely key to optimal healthy development. As in their previous books, the new title relies upon scientific study to support its conclusions, and readers who prefer less anecdotal evidence and more rigorous analysis will be most impressed. Siegel and Bryson provide relatable real world examples and the all-important parenting guide staple, the offering of specific advice for handling various situations, is abundant. The authors are serious and cogent, and lists, talking points, and illustrations drive home certain points and provide helpful scenarios. Parents looking for solid research delivered in an accessible manner will find Siegel and Bryson getting the job done well yet again. – Colleen Mondor.
EXCERPT - CHAPTER 1
WHAT IT MEANS TO SHOW UP
One message we deliver over and over whenever we write about parenting is that you don't have to be perfect. Nobody is. There's no such thing as flawless child-rearing. (We'll pause while you let out a deep, relieved breath.) So raise a warm, left-in-the-minivan juice box to all of us imperfect parents out there.
At some level we all know this, but many of us--especially committed, thoughtful, intentional parents--consistently fall prey to feelings of anxiety or inadequacy. We worry about our children and their safety, of course, but we also worry that we're not being "good enough" in the way we're raising them. We worry that our kids won't grow up to be responsible or resilient or relational whatever. We worry about the times we let them down, or hurt them. We worry that we are not giving them enough attention, or that we're giving them too much attention. We even worry that we worry too much!
We have written this book for all the imperfect parents who care deeply about their kids (as well as for imperfect grandparents and teachers and professionals and anyone else who cares for a child). We have one central message full of comfort and hope: When you're not sure how to respond in a given situation with your child, don't worry. There's one thing you can always do, and it is the best thing of all. Instead of worrying, or trying to attain some standard of perfection that simply doesn't exist, just show up.
Showing up means what it sounds like. It means being there for your kids. It means being physically present, as well as providing a quality of presence. Provide it when you are meeting their needs; when you are expressing your love to them; when you are disciplining them; when you are laughing together; even when you are arguing with them. You do not have to be perfect. You do not have to read all the parenting bestsellers, or sign your kids up for all the right enrichment activities. You do not have to have a committed co-parent. You do not even have to know exactly what you are doing. Just show up!
Showing up means bringing your whole being — your attention and awareness — when you're with your child. When we show up, we are mentally and emotionally present for our child in that moment. In many ways, there is no other time but now — this present moment of time — and you are in charge of learning how to show up in ways that will both greatly empower you as a parent and promote resilience and strength in your child. It is this power of presence that enables us to create an empowered mind for our children — even if we mess up on a regular basis.
Depending on your background and what kind of parents you had as a child, showing up for your own kids might come naturally. Or, you might find it difficult. You might even recognize at this moment that you are not showing up for your kids in a consistent way, either physically or emotionally. In the coming pages we will discuss how, regardless of your own childhood experiences, you can be — and continue to become — the kind of parent you want to be.
Of course we all make better and worse decisions as parents, and there are all kinds of skills we can attain to help our children develop in optimal ways. But when you get right down to it, parenting is about simply being present for our kids. As we will soon explain, the longitudinal research on child development clearly demonstrates that one of the very best predictors for how any child turns out — in terms of happiness, social and emotional development, leadership skills, meaningful relationships, and even academic and career success — is whether they developed security from having at least one person who showed up for them. Across cultures around the globe, these studies reveal a universal finding about how we can parent well, if not flawlessly.
And the great news is that these empirical findings can be synthesized and then made accessible for all of us imperfect parents all over the world. That is what this book is about.
WHAT SHOWING UP LOOKS LIKE: THE FOUR S's
When a caregiver predictably (not perfectly) cares for a child, that child will enjoy the very best outcomes, even in the face of significant adversity. Predictable care that supports a healthy and empowering relationship embodies what we call the "Four S's" — helping kids feel (1) safe — they feel protected and sheltered from harm; (2) seen — they know you care about them and pay attention to them; (3) soothed — they know you'll be there for them when they're hurting; and (4) secure — based on the other S's, they trust you to predictably help them feel "at home" in the world, then learn to help themselves feel safe, seen, and soothed.
When we can offer kids the Four S's, making repairs whenever the inevitable ruptures in these connections with our children may occur, we help create what's called "secure attachment," and it's absolutely key to optimal healthy development.
As in our other books, everything we present here is backed by science and research. And as we'll soon explain, these ideas emerge from the field of attachment science, where for the last half-century researchers have been conducting careful studies. If you know our earlier work — from Dan's title with Mary Hartzell called Parenting from the Inside Out and through our books The Whole-Brain Child, No-Drama Discipline, and The Yes Brain — then you'll immediately see, as you read the coming pages, how this book expands on what we've written before by going deeper into concepts vital to understanding the science behind whole-brain parenting. We've even added a few new twists here and there, since our understanding of parenting and the brain, along with the field of attachment science in general, continues to grow and evolve. So readers who know our work well will both see something new and feel right at home, recognizing familiar concepts while also gaining a richer understanding of them. We've worked hard to make the scientific information as accessible as possible, so that even someone approaching these ideas for the first time can follow along and immediately apply them in their personal and parenting lives.
In addition to attachment science, the other primary scientific framework underpinning our work is interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB), an approach in which we combine various fields of science into one perspective on what the mind and mental thriving are all about. IPNB looks at how our mind — including our feelings and thoughts, our attention and awareness — and our brain and the whole body are deeply interwoven within our relationships with one another and the world around us each to shape who we are. The field of IPNB has dozens of professional textbooks (now over seventy) exploring the science of mental health and human development. Within those fields synthesized by IPNB is the study of attachment as well as scholarship on the brain, including a focus on how the brain changes in response to experience, called neuroplasticity.
Neuroplasticity explains how the actual physical architecture of the brain adapts to new experiences and information, reorganizing itself and creating new neural pathways based on what a person sees, hears, touches, thinks about, practices, and so on. Anything we give attention to, anything we emphasize in our experiences and interactions, creates new links in the brain. Where attention goes, neurons fire. And where neurons fire, they wire, or join together.
What does this have to do with showing up? Well, your reliable presence in the lives of your children can significantly impact the physical architecture and connectivity in their brains, creating mental models and expectations about the way the world works. A mental model is a summary the brain makes that creates a generalization of many repeated experiences. Such mental models are constructed from the past, filter our current experience, and shape how we anticipate and sometimes even sculpt our future interactions. The mental models are formed within the architecture of neural networks underlying attachment and memory.
No kidding — the experiences you provide in terms of your relationship with your child will literally mold the physical structure of her brain. Those connections in the brain in turn influence how her mind will work. In other words, when parents consistently show up, their children's minds come to expect that the world is a place that can be understood and meaningfully interacted with — even in times of trouble and pain — because the experiences you provide shape the ways the brain processes information. The brain learns to anticipate certain realities, based on what has happened before. That means your children will predict what's coming next based on previous experience. So when you are present for them, they come to expect positive interactions — from others, and from themselves. Kids learn who they are and who they can and should be, in both good times and bad, through their interactions with us, their parents. Showing up thus creates in our kids neural pathways that lead to selfhood, grit, strength, and resilience. [continues in book]
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