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ALPHABETICAL BRAIN® VOCABULARY
HUMANIST GALAXY OF
SECULAR SCIENCE STARS
July 12, 2022
RULES OF ESTRANGEMENT:
Why adult children cut ties
and how to heal the conflict
by Joshua Coleman.
Harmony Books, 2020
(311 pages)
Quote = "Estrangement is one of the most disorienting and painful experiences of a parent's life. It is labeled a silent epidemic by a growing number of therapists and researchers. Popular opinion typically tells a one-sided story of parents who got what they deserved or overly entitled adult children who wrongly blame their parents. However, the reasons for estrangement are far more complex and varied." (Paraphrased slightly by webmaster from the publisher's blurb).
Quote = "As a trusted psychologist whose own daughter cut off contact for several years and eventually reconciled, Joshua Coleman is uniquely qualified to guide parents in navigating these fraught interactions. He helps to alleviate the ongoing feelings of shame, hurt, guilt, and sorrow that commonly attend these dynamics. By placing estrangement into a cultural context, the book helps parents better understand the mindset of their adult children and teaches them how to implement the strategies for reconciliation and healing." (Paraphrased slightly by webmaster from the publisher's blurb).
Quote = "The book gives parents the language and the emotional tools to engage in meaningful conversation with their child, the framework to cultivate a healthy relationship moving forward, and the ability to move on if reconciliation is no longer possible. Coleman's insightful approach to this complex and tender topic is based on empathy and understanding for both the parent and the adult child." (Paraphrased slightly by webmaster from the publisher's blurb).
Quote = "In this forceful work, psychologist Coleman (When Parents Hurt) delivers an empathetic yet imperfect solution to the issue of adult children choosing to end contact with their parents. Addressing primarily estranged parents, he explains his mission is to help them 'find a healthy way to reconcile'... Nevertheless, there are elements that will rankle since he has a troubling tendency to sideline abuse as an unusual exception for the abuser, and some readers will take exception to his argument that therapists have expanded 'abuse definitions' to include behavior that was once normal. Estranged parents, meanwhile, may object to his insistence that 'parents have to go first' in the reconciliation process by affirming their child’s grievances — no matter how unjust. He concludes with helpful recommendations for realigning one’s expectations and crafting a letter of reconciliation. While the narrow consideration of possible outcomes for parent-child relationships will frustrate some, Coleman’s comforting message will be healing for those trying to bury the hatchet." (Paraphrased slightly by webmaster from the Publisher's Weekly Review).
BOOK OUTLINE
Note = Numbers in parentheses refer to pages
INTRODUCTION (1-13)
1) CAN I SAVE THE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY ESTRANGED CHILD? (15-129)
2) THE MANY PATHWAYS TO ESTRANGEMENT (30-45)
3) MARRIED, DIVORCED, ESTRANGED (46-76)
4) DEALING WITH MENTAL ILLNESS AND ADDICTION (77-93)
5) PSYCHOTHERAPY AND THE CURATED CHILDHOOD — "My therapist says you are a narcissist" (94-109)
6) FLASHPOINTS — Gender identity, sexuality, religion, politics, and personality clashes (110-124)
7) SONS-IN-LAW, DAUGHTERS-IN-LAW, AND PERSONALITY CLASHES (126-146)
8) WHEN SIBLINGS ESTRANGE — The impact on their lives and those around them (147-159)
9) THE RULES OF MONEY AND ESTRANGEMENT — Should I cut my child out of my will? (160-184)
10) ABANDONED GRANDPARENTS AND THE WEAPONIZING OF GRANDCHILDREN (185-208)
11) COPING STRATEGIES, INTERVENTIONS, AND YOUR NEW NORMAL (209-232)
12) THE ADULT CHILD'S PERSPECTIVE — New rules for parent-adult child reconcilliation (233-247)
13) HOW DO I HEAL THE PAIN OF ESTRANGEMENT? (248-262)
Quote = “There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief.”
AFTERWORD (263-271)
NOTES (273-296)
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS (297-300)
INDEX (301-311)
ABOUT THE AUTHOR, SUMMARY,
AND BOOK DESCRIPTION
ABOUT THE AUTHOR =
SUMMARY = The book is a guide for parents whose adult children have cut off contact that reveals the hidden logic of estrangement, explores its cultural causes, and offers practical advice for parents trying to reestablish contact with their adult children.
BOOK DESCRIPTION = Labeled a silent epidemic by a growing number of therapists and researchers, estrangement is one of the most disorienting and painful experiences of a parent's life. Popular opinion typically tells a one-sided story of parents who got what they deserved or overly entitled adult children who wrongly blame their parents. However, the reasons for estrangement are far more complex and varied. As a result of rising rates of individualism, an increasing cultural emphasis on happiness, growing economic insecurity, and a historically recent perception that parents are obstacles to personal growth, many parents find themselves forever shut out of the lives of their adult children and grandchildren.
As a trusted psychologist whose own daughter cut off contact for several years and eventually reconciled, Joshua Coleman is uniquely qualified to guide parents in navigating these fraught interactions. He helps to alleviate the ongoing feelings of shame, hurt, guilt, and sorrow that commonly attend these dynamics. By placing estrangement into a cultural context, Coleman helps parents better understand the mindset of their adult children and teaches them how to implement the strategies for reconciliation and healing that he has seen work in his 40 years of practice. The book gives parents the language and the emotional tools to engage in meaningful conversation with their child, the framework to cultivate a healthy relationship moving forward, and the ability to move on if reconciliation is no longer possible.
While estrangement is a complex and tender topic, Coleman's insightful approach is based on empathy and understanding for both the parent and the adult child.
EDITORIAL BOOK REVIEW
PUBLISHERS WEEKLY = In this forceful work, psychologist Coleman (When Parents Hurt) delivers an empathetic yet imperfect solution to the issue of adult children choosing to end contact with their parents. Addressing primarily estranged parents, Coleman explains his mission is to help them “find a healthy way to reconcile” as --- apart from rare exceptions --- “reconciliation is better than staying apart.” Coleman draws from his own estrangement from his daughter, case studies from his professional experience facilitating family reconciliations, and research on the societal shifts that have created new pressures on family units to present an eclectic array of perspectives from both parents and adult children. Nevertheless, there are elements that will rankle; Coleman has a troubling tendency to sideline abuse as an unusual exception for the abuser, and some readers will take exception to his argument that therapists have expanded abuse definitions to include behavior that was once normal. Estranged parents, meanwhile, may object to his insistence that “parents have to go first” in the reconciliation process by affirming their child’s grievances—no matter how unjust. He concludes with helpful recommendations for realigning one’s expectations and crafting a letter of reconciliation. While the narrow consideration of possible outcomes for parent-child relationships will frustrate some, Coleman’s comforting message will be healing for those trying to bury the hatchet.
PROFESSIONAL BOOK REVIEWERS
[1] Finally, here is a hopeful, comprehensive, and compassionate guide to navigating one of the most painful experiences for parents and their adult children alike. The book candidly addresses parental estrangement from every conceivable angle, steering readers away from shame and blame to a place of newfound understanding and empowerment. I’ve seen many parents and adult children grappling with these issues, and this is exactly the book they have all been waiting for. I will be recommending it widely. -- Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.
[2] A very thoughtful book filled with great wisdom and care. Over Dr. Coleman's years of practice, as well as his own personal journey, he has developed a deep appreciation for how to help parents see their relationship with their children through the child's eyes. It is through that process of compassionate perspective taking that a healing conversation can begin. -- Amy J. L. Baker, PhD, author of Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome.
[3] Coleman addresses what historians see as a strange paradox: Even as more adult children view their parents as friends rather than mere obligations, psychologists report seeing a wave of parents who have been rejected by their adult children. Coleman explores the socioeconomic and cultural changes that inflate both our expectations and our disappointments in family life, offering calming advice on ways that estranged families can recover or move on. -- Stephanie Coontz, author of The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap.
[4] With the authority and wisdom that comes from both a firm grounding in history, sociology, and, especially, clinical practice, Joshua Coleman provides compassionate and useful advice to parents and their adult children as they try to navigate the minefield of past family experience. His work with families is engaging, informative, exceedingly helpful. -- Frank Furstenberg, Zellerbach Family Professor of Sociology, emeritus, University of Pennsylvania.
[5] Rules of Estrangement is a must-read guide for any parent in a troubled relationship with their adult child. But it is also so much more --- a sharp social and philosophical analysis of what it means to be part of a family in our strange cultural moment and a road map for parents everywhere to strengthen and future-proof their relationships with their children. -- Ruth Whippman, author of America the Anxious.
[6] Joshua Coleman has provided a beautifully written book that describes painful disruptions in relationships between parents and their adult children. His wise and authoritative strategies and specific tips will prove to be essential for both younger and older generations and for clinicians who attempt to foster hope and relationship repair. -- Carolyn and Philip Cowan, emeritus psychology professors at UC Berkeley.
[7] I have, for many years, recommended people to go see Dr. Coleman, but until I read this book, I don't think I ever knew the extraordinary range of his gifts. Yes, there are many sad stories in this book --- but there are also fantastic stories of reconciliation and personal renewal. It is inspirational. -- Pepper Schwartz, PhD, sociologist and psychology expert on Married at First Sight.
AMAZON READER BOOK REVIEWS
[1] Rhonda Soffler Kahgan - The most concise guide to understand estrangement and steps to guide you as a parent and grandparent = As a parent with an estranged child for over a year this book has become my friend and guide to a better life for myself as I understand the complexities of the estrangement. With all ties cut off from my daughter and grandchildren there are few therapists that actually have the experience and knowledge how to help parents like me.
Reconciliation and suggestions how to accomplish that besides coping with the loss of your child are accomplished throughout this wonderful book and guide. Written by a therapist who has first hand experience what it is truly like to be cut off from your child. Never thought I would find anyone with this gift to heal and help others cope with this painful dilema even more prominent in society today.
[2] Barbara Jaye, Eugene Oregon -This book is a life saver = This is an amazing, insightful book by a wonderful psychologist and author. Dr Josh understands the pain of family estrangement as having gone through it himself. He is compassionate and offers tips and advice on how to start the process of healing. As a parent of an estranged adult daughter, I have found this book to be tremendously helpful. Dr Coleman has a website, a newsletter and offers webinars and question and answer sessions for free. If you are a family going through estrangement, please read this book! Thank you Dr Coleman for all you do.
[3] rhododendron - Just the help estranged parents need = I have been helped so much by Dr. Joshua Coleman in the year-plus since my younger son and his family estranged me (for no reason that they have shared with me). This is one of life's most devastating happenings, and I don't know that I would have made it through without Josh's weekly webinars and Q/A sessions. His new book encapsulates the wisdom he offers from his decades of advising us (and from his own experience as a once-estranged parent). I read this book in one sitting. What I appreciated most is that he actually gives us the exact right words to say in so many of the situations we confront. He helps us with estrangements involving mental illness, differences over money, troublesome sons- or daughters-in-law, alienation by an ex-spouse, gender issues, political differences, sibling relationships, the many other ways in which a family can break apart.
He also gives us the context for how the societal changes that have rocked the US in the last few decades have created a climate of excessive individualism and a breakdown in the traditional intergenerational bonds. We are living in a time when centuries of belief in the unbreakable bonds of family are being questioned and challenged. He does not promise that following his counsel will result in a reconciliation with your estranged child — you may do everything perfectly and your child may still never come around. But I believe that following his advice may be your best chance, and mine. If you are dealing with family estrangement, this book is essential.
[4] E. Sweeney - Not for Adult Children, Only Parents = This book is for parents of children that have estranged them — other reviews that say it is good for anyone are incorrect. The book ends with a clear indication that the author believes estrangement is never truly justified. Throughout the book it he specifically reiterates that the estranged parents may have done nothing wrong, but should "accept" (but not necessarily believe) their children's beliefs/opinions about the relationship/childhood in an aide to reconciliation. The author was also estranged from his daughter and reconnected — this is supposedly a selling point — but it feels like a monstrously one sided anecdote that does not add to what good there is in the book. Babara LaBey's book Family Estrangements I think is also not a good book, in part suffering because her estrangement from her son informs the entire book.
[5] George S. - Hope in a dark place of the heart = Blueprint for ending the suffering in a seldom talked about subject. There is immense pain carried by those in this situation. Pain sometimes unknown to even the closest to them. Pain quietly endured, often for lifetimes.
[6] Janet C. Woodward - Excellent Resource on Estrangement = Dr. Coleman is probably the leading practitioner and expert in the field of family estrangement. Although this situation has always existed, the cutting off of parents by their adult children seems to be a growing phenomena and can be considered a silent epidemic. Until now! Dr. Coleman and other psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists are seeking to understand and heal these family struggles. Through his work in his practice, conducting surveys and in consultation with other professionals in the field, Coleman has developed a societal analysis of the problem, how to deal with the pain, how to attempt to heal the trauma and how to live with a difficult reality and find happiness. This readable and thoughtful book will help many understand that they are not alone and will give insight on how to approach a journey they wish they were not on. This work will continue to open up the conversation on this topic, hopefully publicize this complicated issue and bring it into the mainstream to lessen the stigma and find solutions.
[7] Louise B. Hobbs = The book so far has not spoken to me as the child. I think it assumes that the child is the one who has estranged themselves. What are the different ways that family dynamics can be stacked against the child? You could write novels about many families. If parents side with one of their children, if this sibling is very controlling, and has worked out the family corporation selecting family belongings. Sometimes estrangement is about self preservation in order to live with purpose and community. This is what I have found in a local, traditional Quaker meeting. I am looking for the truth, and how to go about forgiveness. In my perusal of the book, it does not seem to speak to how you come to terms with the truth on both sides. If the parent is built up more than the child, it has a ring of trying to impress people. There are all kinds of circumstances. Perhaps this is more a book to assist the parent.
[8] Barry Watters - Genius Book! = I am reading the latest book by Dr Joshua Coleman, Rules of Estrangement, with a beating heart and occasional tears. I am learning and understanding more about this sad estrangement pandemic. Your compassion relates to both, estranged parents as our children. We are all in pain. We all should read your book and be grateful we have found you. Thank you from deep within my heart.
[9] Anonymous reviewer - Great read and healing hearts = Great book of values and principles once applied by both parties to restore long lasting relationships.
[10] Laura Betton - The best book on estrangement = The book is not only an important book, it is also beautifully written. It speaks both to the estranged parent and the estranged child. Clear and easy to read, Dr Joshua Coleman's book is difficult to put down and easy to return to.
[11] Elaine Phillips - Helps you feel less alone = A problem heard is a problem shared. Estrangement comes in many forms. Therapy in a book.
[12] AMNH - Insightful = This is a great book that gave me a different perspective and insights that was valuable. I have read other books like this and it is all what I already know. It suggests an amends letter or to apologize even though you did nothing wrong. It may be fine in some cases but not all. Children may feel it is manipulative if later they realize it was to get through the door but the difference in perspectives are still there. It can also set up the new relationship for the adult to be seen as desperate and can result in being abused all over. If boundaries did not work before to get their respect it won't again unless they are apologizing. The book assumes the child will not apologize and is in the power position. My advice read it but some things may not apply to your situation and you must maintain self respect either way.
RECOMMENDATION: You can re-read this summary according to a reinforcement schedule, such as a few hours later and a few days later and then several times in the next week or two. This strategy can help you take advantage of the power of the spaced-repetition method of memorization. Such deep introspection can strengthen your natural willpower and change your adaptable self-identity in order to increase your self-esteem.
REMEMBER ALWAYS:
You Are Your Adaptable Memory!
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